*sighs*

watched wildfire and beautiful people last night.  bp made me
happy, wildfire did not.  stupid chris and her stupid self,
choosing junior over matt.  but anyways, im rambling.

the dance was PHENOMENAL.  im not even kidding.

john danced with me.  for real.  he just came right up to me
and we started to freak, and it was like, we suddenly clicked into
place, you know?  i mean, ive liked the guy for more than a year
now (damn has it been a year already??  wow…), but we only
recently started talking.  and…wow…ill never forget that
night.  had fun with josh and erika and chelsea and julia and
adrienne and cody and all them people.  becca and heidi were
thrown in there somewhere.  it was a good night.  a really
good night.

i love jimmy.  random, but hey.  i realized how much i love
him yesterday, totally out of the blue, we were just kind of standing
there, and it hit me like a freakin ton of bricks.  i love
him.  i cant let him go.  at least not right now.

tomorrow is wednesday.  heh.  mickey d’s, here we come. 
anyhoo.  my contacts hurt, and its really cold in my house, so im
gonna snuggle under the blankets and think of people.

*******

smile.  it just might be the last time do it.

do you ever get that feeling where all of a sudden, youre not thinking
at all, youre just zoning out, and you get tunnel vision, and your head
starts to spin just a little, until all of a sudden you have to hold on
to something to keep from falling?

then it stops and all youre left with is a headache.

when theres no where thats safe to go to, where do you run to? 
who do you run to?  what compels you to run to that person? 
why is there no safe place to begin with?  shouldnt you always
have a place of security?

maybe im asking too many questions.  maybe i should be giving some answers.

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had a gig tonight with puty’s rapala.  the band can play some nice
blues, but really were all just amateurs.  im really tired. 
this last week has been really nice.  tomorrow im going to the
kick off dance, first dance of the year.  that should be
exciting.  haha.  talked to bryan yesterday for the first
time since school started.  he basically saved me from being
sexually harrassed by jonothan.  im not kidding, bryan looked like
he was ready to kill someone, naming no names (*cough* jonothan
*cough*).  dont know why jonothan thinks he can get away with his
crap.  “im just joking with you” doesnt quite cut it when youre
trying to unsnap a girls bra.  for real.  anyways.  so
the kangaroo and i are doing ok, i guess.  danny wont talk to
me.  dont know why.  the next time i see him, though, i know
hes gonna be like “heey, how are you?  havent talked to you in a
while, blah blah blah” like nothings weird or anything.  what a
loser.

blaaaaaaah.  she wants some raspberry iced tea.  thats what
she wants.  david wants to go to a concert with me in
november.  in la.  which is cool, i wanna see him
again.  but i dont know who the band is.  ive been listening
to them online and its like, theyre really cool, kinda remind me of an
indie version of relient k.  they have this name though.

who in their right mind would call their band “death cab for cutie”?

haha.  but they are a pretty cool band.

**

i tried to tell you.  i tried to let you know.  the air is so
cold down here.  lying on the floor, looking up at the
ceiling.  trying to find faces and animals in the crevasses. 
but all i see is your face, hovering in front of me.  why do you
ask me if im ok?  ill never let go.  but dont worry,
everything is going to be all right.  this time.  if you take
my hand tonight.  i promise i wont let you down.  i wont
stumble this time.  why cant i tell you that i care??  –what
difference does it make?  nothing changes reality.  but
reality always changes.  so where did i end up?  not crashing
and burning, going down in flames.  not pulling the noose
tighter.  not one step away from the ledge.  simply lying on
the floor.  waiting for the ceiling to fall down on me. 
everything else already has.

hhmm.

xanga.

?

sounds like an anime character.

anyhoo.  oh where is my cousin in law.  cody is hot. 
heh.  but he is probably in reno, unless he stayed in walnut
creek.  heaven knows why.  that place is coooold.  but
then again, i live in the valley, and its usually 110 around here in
the summer.  it was only 75 there yesterday.  crazy. 
why do fools fall in love.  i get to see kyle tomorrow. 
yay.  and bryan.  double yay.  and erika.  how many
yays can you say all at once?  ew, i have to see danny
tomorrow.  and the sour kangaroo.  blah.  maybe they
wont be there.  heh yeah right.

its ok to be angry, and never let go.  it only gets harder the
more that you know.  when you feel lonely and no ones around, you
know that ill catch you when youre fallin down.  we came together,
but you left alone, and i know how it feels to walk out on your
own.  maybe someday i will see you again and youll look me in my
eyes and call me your friend.  take you away from that empty
apartment.  you stay and forget where the heart is. 
someday.  if ever you loved me youd say its ok…

*sighs* wanna read the insiders.  too restless.  she wants
school to start.  who cares if i have to wake up at 5:30? 
frieeends.  anyhoo.  me thinks ill grab a fudge sicle and
talk to my david.