i blacked out last night.  no it didnt hurt.  not until this
morning.  all the frauds, and the fake laughs, and the hearty and
lying “how are yous!?” got to me.  no one cares.  were all in
this because of ourselves anyways.  thats the shallowness of the
human nature.  a warm toast, three cheers for a disfunctional
family.  watching me from afar, laughing it up, sipping champagne,
my cheeks getting steadily redder.  yackity yack, dont talk
back.  it only works if you wanna get slapped.  watching
myself losing my grip on reality.  watching him watching me. 
why was he always watching me?  who knows.  maybe im hideous
and i just havent found out yet.  sending glare after glare as
guys decide im a babe, and theyd like to share that with the
world.  one guy wouldn’t leave me alone about it.  “youre so
beautiful.  heey babe.” its only illegal if they dont physically
touch me, blah blah blah, who was this yahoo?  did he know how old
i was?  honestly, he probably didnt know how old HE was, he was so
thoroughly intoxicated.
anyways the point was i was there and so was everyone else.  have
a good time, right?  what good is sitting alone in your
room?  come hear the music play.  life is a cabaret.  at
least when youre a part of this bunch.
he was still watching me.  i make it a point to turn my back and
chat it up with others.  still sipping champagne.  i cant
even taste it anymore.  its just in my hand, in my glass, down my
throat, and burning my chest.  somehow it keeps getting filled
back up.  dont know how.
so far gone.  im completely out of it.  its like im suspended
from the ceiling, watching myself be little miss smiley.  miss
always-positive-never-falls-down.  how long have i had that
role?  forever.  its a character i always play, no matter
what.  i watch as he grabs my arm, and shepherds me outside, away
from everyone else, a grim look on his face.  when we hit the
porch, i pull violently away, and nearly trip down the stairs,
champagne sloshing inside my glass.  “what the hell?” i glare at
him.  “whats your problem?”
“dont get pissy with me” he says, his anger a sharp edge in his voice.  “im saving your ass”
i can save my own ass, thanks.  did it with you, didnt i? 
“youre such a fucking jerk” still watching myself from the sky. 
watching as i make a complete fool out of myself.  “im so sick of
you.”
“yes, im a jerk” he says, sarcasm practically dribbling down his chin.  “now get in the car, im taking you home”
“youre not taking me anywhere” i swear to god, im even slurring my
words a little.  what the fuck was wrong with me?  i try to
shove past him back into the house, but he grabs my arm again. 
for a second i think hes going to sling me over his shoulders and carry
me to his god forsaken car.  but he just holds me in place, and
positions himself completely in front of the door, so i cant get
in.  i stare at him like hes insane, then turn and trip my way
down the stairs and onto the yard.  he realizes where im going,
and hurries after me, pulling in front of me again, blocking my
path.  i shove him hard, champagne flying across the grass. 
“would you leave me the fuck alone!?” i shout at him, and he grabs both
my wrists, to keep me from hitting him again
“calm down” he tells me, and i laugh in his face.  but up in the
air, i groan, shaking my head.  oh my god, i was so freakin nuts.
“calm down” i repeat to him, as if its the most ludicrous thing ive
ever heard.  and at that moment, it is.  “me.  calm
down.  how about you take a look in the fucking mirror?” he just
stares at me, and i pull away from him again.  “you wanna know why
youre acting like this?” i tell him, and he doesnt say anything. 
“you know that your a pussy, and youre trying to play both sides, so
that everyone remains happy, and all the blame is shoved off you. 
yes, oh yes, save me, save me from making an idiot of myself, of
drinking in front of thousands of people who dont care who i am or what
im doing.  no one CARES.  the only person that cares is
YOU.  and you know what?  im done with it.  go back to
your fucking happy life, play mister innocent, be the guy that everyone
thinks you are.  just stop throwing yourself into my LIFE. 
youve caused enough fucking damage in that area already” i punctuated
my little speech by throwing the rest of my champagne in his
face.  only of course, half of it had already been spilled in our
conversation, and all that really hit him were little droplets across
his forehead and cheeks.  they rolled down his face, like
champagne tears, and he locks gazes with me.  and i realize that i am
the one crying.  hot tears of anger and bitterness make stinging
paths across my cheeks.  hes perfectly still for a moment, then
reaches out, softly tugging at my waist.  i push feebly back for a
second, then pathetically bury myself in his arms, my champagne glass
falling to the ground.  he envelops me, murmuring inaudibly into
my hair as i shudder with sobs against his chest.
eventually i calm down, enough to where im sort of hiccuping slash
crying, nestled against him.  i can feel his heart beating hard in
his chest as it rises with each breath he takes.  its almost
comforting.  almost.
“you smell like…apples…” i speak into his sweater.  “…apples
and chocolate…and the rain.”  and with those last, scintillating
words, i watch from the sky as my eyes roll back, and i collapse. 
he keeps me from falling, and then switches one of his arms around, so
that hes cradling me like a child.  then he picks me up and
carries me to his car, myself in the sky, crying as well, tears of
sorrow and loss and loneliness.
loneliness.

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