i dreamt about d.  it was this really awkward, incredible, fantastic, unattainable dream.  we were in class, having fun, like we were actually friends or something, and all of a sudden we win something.  probably something really unimportant like a superlative or whatever.  we jump up and are high fiving each other like crazy.  we strike amazing poses that show everyone that we rule.  then we go to a party afterwards to celebrate this totally not important thing.  so eventually he comes up to me in the middle it–who knows whose house were at.  its a dream, who cares?–and he says “so, youre leaving tomorrow” and i said “yeah, yeah i am”.  so then he was like “why are you leaving tomorrow?”  and the look on his face is heartbreaking.  i look up into those puppy dog eyes and say “its what i have to do.  you know that”  then he hugs me, and he wont let me go, i keep telling him he has to, he has to let me go.  but he just wont.  finally he eases up, and kisses me on the cheek.  then he vanishes.  like none of it ever happened.

i wake up feeling completely out of sorts and a bit exhilirated.  even in my dreams, having d kiss me on the cheek makes my stomach flip.  then i shake it off and drive for four hours to see him.  not d.  a: if i was seeing d, i wouldnt have to drive four hours, and b: i wouldnt be seeing d because we are NOT FRIENDS.

anyways, so i drive for four hours and see him after two years of absolutely nothing.  its crazy.  its remarkable.  its fun.  its completely overrated.  but at the same time, its nice.  its sugar and spice.  he loves me, he loves me not.  why is life always such a teeter totter when im around him?  he shows me around the school, he shows me his apartment.  i meet his friends.  i watch his show which is abso-fucking-lutely AMAZING.  before id seen it, id told him “youre really gonna have to sell this school to me.  i just got accepted to one of the best ones EVER yesterday” and his friend said, “make your decision based on the show tonight.  not his performance, cause you wont come.  but the entire shoooowww”  if id been adhering to this challenge, i would have given them twenty thousand bucks on the spot (in the form of an iou).  seriously, i was all, where do i sign up?

he acts so…at ease.  but at the same time, its like hes trying to impress me.  hes trying to show me this and say, “here it is, my life.  see?  im doing FINE without you…but i still want you here”  why?  because honestly?  that doesnt even make SENSE.  and its more clear than any other aspect of our relationship.  so that should effing tell you something.

im doing good the whole trip you know?  we watch movies, we eat donuts.  we laugh it up.  i lock myself out of the apartment im staying in, while leaving my purse INSIDE the apartment im staying in.  we go to church.  and this is where it gets dicey.  because i thought id held up good.  for real, i was patting myself on the back.  see?  you can do this.  you can live life with him normally.  you can do this and not break down.  but then the pastor started talking about how theres this disease thats eating at families today.  which is true, i completely agree.  and then he becomes so in tune with God, so completely attentive to his congregation, he makes this outrageous, honest, astonishing announcement.

“i want you all to look at who you came with today.  look at them.  because this is the person you are meant to be with.  this is your mate, your husband or wife.  you are a FAMILY.  do NOT let sin and the devil tear you apart from each other any longer.  cast that evil out of your relationship, and take your family BACK.”

mortification can be a cold thing.  it froze the blood in my veins, it frosted over my gaze.  i could not even turn my head a fraction of an inch in his direction.  but i still didnt cry.  i was still holding up, breathing, taking it like the woman that i am.  as usually, unfortunately, the singing was what got to me.  the words were something about God bringing you through the storm, him lifting you up over the flood, just trusting in him.  “i will be still, and know you are God” and the second the words leave my lips, tears burst from my eyes.  you cant stop an avalanche as it races down the hill, so i let it go for a few brief moments, and then as quickly as i could manage i dried up the waterworks and sucked it up.

we dont look at each other again until sometime on the drive back to the school when he sneezes and i say bless you–me and my damn ingrained manners.  after that i leave him once again, with a slightly longer and firmer hug goodbye.  the drive back was torture.  endless, blistering heat.  long reaching miles, full of sand and grass and trees, desert.  the sun and the road.  the road and the sun.  over and over and over again.  beating down on me, beating down on the road.  its an continuous cycle that seemingly ill never get out of.  beating down, beating down, beating down.  why am i always beaten down?