what is it with my subconscious? its like it wont give me a break.
dreams have become one of two things for me. they are either the highlight of my life or the bane of my existence. seriously. not just bane in the literal english language use, but bane as in the bane that broke batman’s neck and ruined my childhood for a while because in the movie he was so hideous. that kind of bane.
im so pathetic. and i know so many people who would get angry at me for saying that, but this is the cold, hard truth of the matter–i am utterly pathetic. why not face it? i should have years ago. what other word is there to describe me? to describe going through five years of hell, living H E DOUBLE HOCKEYSTICKS, because of this one guy, and still ending up loving him?
you want to know just HOW pathetic i am? its not even like i have a REASON to love him. theres absolutely none. he hasnt given me one for five years. i certainly havent given myself any. i know that. theres nothing about him that i SHOULD love. besides the fact that for once in HIS dumb life hes actually happy now, in a relationship with someone who is nice, sweet, good for him. seriously? and im STILL doing this? someone shoot me. please god, someone just shoot me and save myself and him five MORE years of hell.
actually, that was presumptuous. im sure the last five years havent been hell for him at all. im sure hes been fine.
this dream started, ironically, with something that has to do with drugs. i dont know how the hell i ended up dreaming about drugs. i dont even think they were conventional drugs either, but like weird herbal hippie stuff. anyways, i think what was happening was we were having a party in my dorm (i think) and someone who was probably an r.a. and probably phillipe came in and found the drugs–even though no one was using them–and confiscated them and told us all we were in major trouble, time out for life, blah blah. i felt bad because i guess they were my drugs or something. shrug. anyways, the shame didnt last long, because i got in the elevator to go ____________ (insert anywhere you can think of, it doesnt matter) and i end up in the elevator with HIM.
WHY hes at my party in my DORM, when he doesnt even LIVE here, you know, whatever.
i start apologizing to him, like i ruined his party night (hah. him. party. right) or something because of my apparent drug habits or lack thereof. he tells me not to worry about it, its ok, ill be fine, he doesnt care, yada yada. i guess i start crying or something, and he hugs me. and then all of a sudden hes looking down at me so tenderly, so passionately, i kind of lose my breath. and then he kisses me on the cheek, but he keeps his mouth there, and all of a sudden its near my mouth instead of my cheek, and then he kisses me.
it was like the heavens exploded. like i was on all the drugs they confiscated from me at the same time. like nothing id ever experienced before.
and he starts telling me that he cant believe weve finally gotten here. weve finally reached the point where were ready. were ready for this. and hes so happy. it makes my heart shrivel and crack now to remember how happy he was, how happy i was in that moment, how the future made so much sense to me, as it used to before we screwed it all up.
we end up somewhere where theres a pool. we are still starry-eyed and whatnot, but it doesnt take me long to realize that there is someone else in the near vicinity who is very important. i look over and theres d.
p.s. why is d always a phantom in my dreams as well? i have LESS reason to dream about d than i do about HIM. seriously, brain, you can stop torturing me any day now.
he–not d–goes off to do whatever, i dont remember, and d comes up to me. he starts telling me that he cant deal with this, that ive got to choose. that i cant keep doing this to both of them. i needed to choose d or i needed to let him go. (excuse me, wasnt it D that needed to let ME go in my last dream? please note) i start telling him that im sorry for putting him through all this, that i know its hard. he leans down at kisses me hard, and this kiss is not exactly insignificant. it kind of makes me lightheaded, especially since hes pushing all this NEED into the kiss, like he cant get close enough to me or whatever. finally we pull away and HE is standing behind d, looking right at me. and i cant take it. i have to run away.
is that what im doing? am i running away?
how am i running from something ive been chasing for so long?